MORT’s Manic Meanderings

“Walk with me.”

There is an e-mail floating around the internet titled, “Walk with me as I age”.

What a crock. If anyone is interested in walking with the elderly, they should come to their senses and offer their ‘elder’ a ride in a golf cart, or a Cadillac, or a Jag-U-R.

Who needs someone walking beside them and continually asking, “Are you okay?’ ‘Can you make it to that tree and then, we’ll turn around?’ ‘Can you hold it until we get home?’ ‘Do you remember where you live?’ ‘What was it like in the old days?’ ‘Did they have sex when you were a teen?’ ‘You mean you were actually in World War II?’ ‘How sad that you have two siblings with whom you haven’t communicated in 30+ years.’ ‘Seriously, can you recall the names of the in-laws of your last three spouses?’ ‘How many children did you say you have? ‘Do they ever call you?’

C’mon, let’s get real. We antique people know all too well how we got that way. We followed the sage advice of our grandparents who advised us to ‘just keep putting one foot in front of the other’. Well shit, we see where that got us, don’t we?

Nah. The way to make the day a little brighter for one who has reached his or her majority and then, made it past that stage by a few years is as follows:

Bring ‘em a bottle of Scotch or Tequila. Bring ‘em a Big Mac with a double order of fries – and don’t forget the little packages of ketchup. Bring them peanut brittle.

Make certain they have a DVD player and know how to operate it and then, bring them three raunchy ‘porno’ DVDs. And a couple of Three Stooges DVDs.

Buy the wildest necktie you can find, gift wrap it beautifully and present it to an infirmed elderly gent who hasn’t worn anything but a grungy old flannel bathrobe in nine years

Buy the tiniest bikini swim suit you can find, gift wrap it beautifully and present it to an elderly lady who can hardly see – and ask her to put it on so that you can take her picture.

Seriously, the way to an elderly person’s heart is to piss ‘em off. This is something they are used to and something they understand and can relate to. If you bring a little something annoying into their lives, providing it is a new annoyance, you will have made their day.

Trust me. I know whereof I speak.

Conservative commentary by MORT KUFF