MORT’s Meanderings

My Favorite ‘UNfavorites’.

Being the picky sort, I enjoy being upset by things that never seem to faze my good wife or others in my immediate circle of those who tolerate me and my pickiness.

Example: I take huge umbrage at a TV spokesman who appears in ‘gold’ commercials, who always begins by saying, “People are always asking me - - - -“. That’s B.S. He would have to prove to me that people are always asking him anything except, to get the hell off the air.

Example: I am harshly irritated when people close their e-mails with, ‘lol’. I never know whether that means, ‘lots of luck’; ‘lots of love’; ‘lots of laughs’; ‘loads of laundry’; or what? I do believe this is a by-product of ‘texting’ and that we’re stuck with unintelligible abbreviations until something comes along to replace this current practice of people avoiding spelling-out what it is they want to express.

Example: I become agitated instantly when an elderly neighbor-lady, with a quivering rat-like dog on a leash, picks up her puppy’s recently-deposited poop from my lawn - albeit in a plastic bag, smiles sweetly and says, “Good morning”. I respond with an contemptuously-cool, “Good morning”, as I thank her for picking up the poo and gently but firmly, request that if it is within her power to do so, she refrain in the future, from allowing her pooch to poop on my private property. I don’t wish to engage in further conversation with this woman and so, after delivering my carefully crafted request, I turn heel and retire to the confines of my domain.

I love dogs as much as the next guy who objects to them shitting on his property but, I have no patience whatsoever with the owners of pooches who think their dog’s poo doesn’t stink. I have spake upon this subject and don’t not wish to smell it, again.

Example: I become eggs-aspirated with Florida’s ‘middle-of-the-roaders’. Whether they are occupying the middle of a street in my development that is replete with perfectly good sidewalks on both sides or, they are sashaying at a snail’s pace, pushing shopping carts full of groceries while occupying the precise center of the aisle between parked cars in super market parking lots.

In each case, I find myself day-dreaming about those lovely twin Cal.50 machine guns that accompanied me as I occupied the top turret of a twin-engined, land-based U. S. Navy patrol bomber during WWII. While I am now a couple of generations removed from that young man who sat between those guns, I still have reveries about using them in certain kinds of situations all these years later. Situations as just described or quite often, events taking place on I-95.

With regard to Interstate 95, there is a brigand who regularly travels that thoroughfare and makes no attempt to hide the fact that he is out to kill me. But, true to his cowardly nature, he uses a different vehicle every day to avoid detection and identification. Sooner or later, he’ll appear within my sights – and when he does . . . . he’ll ‘get his’.

Example: I couldn’t end this short litany of my Favorite ‘UNfavorites’ without a not-so-friendly jab at my all-time UNfavorite, my ‘UNfavorite-in-Chief BarackHusseinObama. I experience an overabundance of harsh irritation at each mention of his name, vision of his arrogant, sourpuss countenance or audio of his all-too-frequent lies and lunatic utterings into every microphone within a 6,000 mile radius. When he speaks, I reach for the closest barf-bag.

I remember clearly, wanting to strangle His Ineptness-in-Chief, Jimmy Carter. I have many indelible recollections of being annoyed to the max with the degenerate carryings-on by the Scumbag-in-Chief, Bill Clinton. However, all that pales beside the non-stop, 24/7 reminders about the most anti-American reprobate ever to occupy the Oval Office of our White House, Mr. Destruction himself, Barry the bamboozler.

There’s more of course but right now, it is time to clean my guns and check my ammo.

Conservative commentary by MORT KUFF © 2011